There’s a particular sense of “awe” that is traveling within me these days as I feel two things in the air … each something I revel in each turning of the year … autumn and Rosh Hashana.  They are both happening at exactly the same time this year.  Most years the sense that autumn is in the air comes late in August; there’s something that smells different or feels different on my skin.  I also notice that there are so many comments made about “you can feel the change in the air”.  This is a time that nature lets go of what it’s been doing for months now and seems to stop nurturing new life and gently, beautifully – with colours changing everywhere – the promise of new life to come fills my heart.  Most years, just as I’m settling into the letting go part I start feeling Rosh Hashana in the air.  This is the bridge.  I want to spend time thinking back over the past year to how I could have responded to things – or initiated things –  differently for a different outcome.  Then, as I work out menus and shopping lists and put a “to do calendar” together for the next month or so, I also think about how I might take that awareness with me – and keep it with me – in the year to come.  Immersed in cooking.  Immersed in thinking.  Dwelling in the notion of moving from one year to another.  These two things coming at the same time this year is pretty close to overwhelming for me, but not in a jangling way.  In a very rich way.  So each day of the week, this past week, I’ve had a moment of incredible fullness of spirit that has opened a little space for seeing things more clearly.

MONDAY began early with some work on the AISA conference.  Now that I’ve truly chosen to be true to my own spirit and heart, I am finding it really exciting to plan this work.  The opportunity to have some impact on these teachers from all across Africa, to shift their vision of what they do from teaching “things” (like subjects or test items) to teaching young, developing human beings.  Children … somebody’s children.  In fact I also received an email from an ex-student of mine who runs a major conference for people who work with young children every year inviting me to “tell my stories” at her conference this year; I’m going to do it twice (week-day and week-end) because it’s different groups of people who can come during the week and those who can only come on weekends.  If I can just leave at least a spark here and there.  This no longer feels anything like work at all.  In another week or so I’ll start receiving updates on who has been registering for my sessions at AISA, and as they register they have some things to do and email back to me so that I can really make sure that I focus on the kinds of things they say they need.  In my way, of course.  Exciting.  This is about allowing my heart to share its stories in a way that invites the audience to rethink its own stories.   Feels good.

TUESDAY As usual I went to a Pilates class at 9:30.  It was my good fortune that there were only two of us in the class that day which meant that we each got almost personalized attention through the class.  There are so many things I can do now that I couldn’t do when I started exercising 8 months ago.  I’m more flexible.  My ribs seem to have settled into the place where they belong.  I really like this; it just plain makes me feel stronger.   This is the physical side of my playing Sudoku and Bejewelled; I exercise and try to walk 10,000 steps/day so that I stay healthy thinking that will hold off some of the ravages of age.  I do the puzzles and things like trying to learn new languages in an attempt to hold off cognitive aging and deterioration; for years now I’ve been led to believe that these things will help to hold off Alzheimers.  Ah – I just read something in the New York Times that had this to say:

”  BETHESDA, Md. — The scene was a kind of science court. On trial was the question “Can anything — running on a treadmill, eating more spinach, learning             Arabic — prevent Alzheimer’s disease or delay its progression?”  To try to answer that question, the National Institutes of Health sponsored the court,                     appointing a jury of 15 medical scientists with no vested interests in Alzheimer’s research. They would hear the evidence and reach a judgment on what the           data showed. … But the jury’s verdict was depressing and distressing. So far, nothing has been found to prevent or delay this devastating disease, which                 ceaselessly kills brain cells, eventually leaving people mute, incontinent, unable to feed themselves, unaware of who they are or who their family and friends         are.”

Well, that might be what the data is showing but I know for sure that I feel so much better when I’m stronger and healthier so I’m going to keep on working out – physically and mentally – for as long as I possibly can.  Combined with meditation and sacred circle dance I know that this is the right way for me to be taking care of myself.  Yes, that can’t hold off the surprises that might come our way … the diseases we might have to deal with and the struggles that lay ahead.  That said, my commitment to staying “well” to the extent that I can influence that is full and clear.

WEDNESDAY My day began at 4 a.m., a rather unfortunate time to leave the joy of sleep behind.  Things happen that wake us early sometimes; today it was light streaming into the room.  I turned on the TV and set the sleep timer for 60 minutes, pretty sure that within 15 minutes of starting to watch something like Leverage or Monk I’d soon be asleep.  Don’t read that the wrong way – those are shows I really like and as I relax into watching them I tend to drift off … at least in the wee hours.  I finally really got up at a little after 9 o’clock because I had an appointment with my doctor at 10:45; she’s been away and I had a long list of things to ask her about, which included a prescription for anti-malarial meds for Africa.  I’d planned to walk down but was running a bit late.  It seems that happens a lot these days even though I’m doing so much less and not rushing around from thing to thing.  Anyhow, I took the TTC down, which gave me a chance to write out a list of the 8 things I needed to talk to her about.  After seeing her I had to go get a chest x-ray and since the lab in her building had a problem with their machines that day I had to walk way downtown to another lab.  It was only when I was walking along that I realized the one thing I’d forgotten to put on the list, and forgotten to talk to my doctor about, was forgetfulness.  Argh!

I called one of my sons and he came downtown to meet me for lunch and then we thought perhaps we’d go shopping for some new clothes for him to “b’neye” for Rosh Hashanah.  This has been a tradition in our family for a long time, getting some new clothing to wear for the first time on the New Year … something that would help in your feeling renewed to meet the challenges of the year ahead.  It was clear almost from the start that this was going to be too overwhelming; the initial hug was great and then the crowds, the noise, the lack of personal space .. it all became a lot to deal with.   We decided to skip the shopping part and headed home together on the subway.  I got off at my stop and waved goodbye as the train pulled out.  Important to remember not to try to reach too far all at once isn’t it?

THURSDAY Yet another amazing day.  I had another Pilates class that I thoroughly enjoyed this morning and then my afternoon was filled with work at my computer terminal; some Ryerson prep, some more preparation for AISA, some other writing.  Most exciting was an email that I received from the woman at Ryerson who is responsible for the 50 PLUS program at The Raymond Chang School of Continuing Education.  She said: “We are embarking on opportunities for older adults to rethink their retirement plans and I thought that your courses would be a good fit for us to include.” How cool is that?  It’s really something I’ve been working towards since I started blogging about my retirement nearly two years ago.  I’ll see her next Monday and maybe we’ll work something out.  This is real incentive to get working on the book some more; I do have the first “chapter” mostly done and now I’d really like to devote some focused time to getting it all written.  I also had an email from a student who I taught last year at Ryerson and who will be back for my course again in the fall … she’s so excited about being in my class again that she wrote to say hi.  A huge amount of prep and responsibility but again it’s something I’m doing for the love of it so it doesn’t really feel like work.  Doesn’t pay much like work either, but that’s another story.

David had planned to be home around 5 o’clock on Thursday.  When we were touching base by phone in the mid-afternoon I mentioned that BuskerFest was happening.  This is Toronto’s 11th BuskerFest; over 100 street performers will be juggling and fire-eating and clowning and doing magic and dancing while hanging from a huge helium balloon.  David spontaneously suggested he come home and then we walk all the way down to Front Street where the fun was happening … a 5 mile trek on a hot afternoon.  How absolutely blissful it was to set out, hand in hand, with the man I’ve been married to for almost 10 years now.  It seems so easy to forget how incredibly lucky I feel to have had David become a part of my life; what a blessing he is in my life, and how much I love him … more each day.  About 3 miles into our trek we stopped for dinner at a restaurant that David had wanted to take me to for a while.  We had a yummy dinner of four different appetizers, some excellent gin (his with tonic, mine a martini) and warm, loving talk.  It took us about 45 minutes to finish our way down – almost to the lakeshore – and wander through the thickening (not too bad yet) crowd.  I’d been carrying the PDA (Personal Disaster Assistance) pager for the Red Cross this week and I’d also arranged to meet Kevin – the young man who’d be taking over from me – at BuskerFest.  He’d heard about it but never been so was excited to come all the way downtown and experience this festival.

For sure spontaneity is something that I really do need in my life; it balances my need to make highly detailed lists to get me through big projects.  Life, and living it fully, is clearly the biggest and most complex project I’m ever going to undertake.  Let there be moments of abandon and that sort of easy happiness that comes from being around – and doing things with – people that I love.

Well, those were among the insights that I had during the first part of this past week.

• When I’m doing something I love and am passionate about – and the prime component is that I’m doing it so that I can maybe make a difference and not so that I can make enough money to support myself –  although it might look like work it just doesn’t feel like work.
• The more I recognize the things that I love to do (which generally means that they both fully engage me and that I’m pretty good at them), and the more time I spend focusing on those things, the better.  For me.  For others too I hope.
• Spontaneity needs room to flourish even while a hectic schedule needs some organization to make it workable.  Love needs both spontaneity and a plan.
• The stronger I feel – physically and emotionally and spiritually – the happier I am.  Those are the times that I’m most likely to be aware of the incredible amount of blessing that comes into my life each and every day … each moment of each day really.

On Thursday morning David and I are going to fly to New York City for the long weekend.  Although I can hardly believe it, we are going to celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary on the weekend and how better to do that than to hang out in NYC, see a couple of plays, attend some services at B’nei Jeshurun, walk and walk and walk.

Let me leave you with this wonderful video of a song that I heard somehow for the first time today.  It seems to sum up a lot of what I’m feeling.  Let me revel in this moment, in the goodness that I can find right now.   Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge, Please Don’t Tell Me How the Story Ends, 1978).    Hope you enjoy it.