It’s been almost a year now since I retired.  Twelve months without having to get up and go to my office each workday.  365 days of choosing – really choosing – what I want to do each day.  I still meet people all of the time who jump right in with the question “So, how are you enjoying retirement?”  It happened just last night in fact and, as usually happens, I immediately get a tad anxious about responding.  My first thoughts usually run to this being a much harder transition than I’d anticipated, but it sounds too wimpy and on the edge of self-indulgent to say that.  I no longer have to go to work to earn a living; how dare I complain about that?  I am my own “boss”; how can I do anything but applaud that?   So when I really think about how I’m doing I end up feeling a little bit guilty for not being just plain and simply thrilled with my retirement life.  Given that I’m Jewish, guilt does come easily to me I admit.  I’ve actually noticed over the years that my Catholic friends are pretty much as prone to guilt as I am, but that’s a conversation for another time I suppose.   Here on my blog though I think I’m safe to talk honestly about how I’m doing and since it’s been a year I do think it’s time for a little revisiting of how things are going.  What have I learned?  What am I happy with?  What am I still struggling with?  If this isn’t quite what I want it to be, how do I change it?

Let me start with some of the “big” highlights and “broad strokes” of the year.  Let’s see.  I’ve done some wonderful travelling (Antarctica, California, New Mexico, New York, Philadelphia, Atlanta); wherever I travel I always see new things and understand things differently and come home with my physical and spiritual batteries well charged.  I’ve welcomed a new grand-daughter to our family; indeed I’ve been blessed with having spent lots of time with my mother, my children (all three of them), my grandchildren (all four of them) and my friends.  Of course I can’t leave my sweet David out of that list either; he’s been there beside me as I’ve struggled through this year and I know it hasn’t always been easy for him to understand what “the fuss” is about … but he always tries to be supportive and he always let’s me know that he loves  me and that makes all the difference in the world.  I’m still going to the Y but not quite as often as I was initially; actually, I’m now trying to build back up to being there at least 4 or 5 times/week if I can.  I’ve lived through what I could call my own winter of discontent – as both the jangling new realities of retirement and the bleak winter weather worked against my spirit.  I’ve moved beyond my TV immersion days when as often as not I retreated into a myriad of TV shows to move me from morning to evening.  I’ve spent some time feeling pretty depressed and some time feeling quite content and happy.  Yup, it’s been quite a year.

That’s the broad strokes of it.  Let me go back to the framework I used after six months in retirement and see how that works.

FINANCES: So who hasn’t been thinking a lot about finances this year?  Truth is, I’ve found that between my pension and the money that I’ve been making training bar mitzvah students as well as doing keynotes and workshops I’m not feeling the  loss of income too much.  I’ve started looking at the monthly investment statements again and have noticed that the continual drop in value seems to have turned around some.  I’ve definitely found lots of ways of saving money and am pleased in particular that I’ve found green-grocers that provide great produce at better prices than I used to pay.  I’m definitely still committed to being less of a poster child for consumerism; I buy very little by way of clothing or jewelery and think twice really before making any purchases.  I’ve begun to develop my Educational Illumination “business” as well as my Women In Retirement “business” and look forward to seeing where that will take me in the coming year.  So here’s at least one area where there isn’t much angst for me.  That’s good.

LOGISTICS & TIME MANAGEMENT: I’m still struggling with this one although it does get a little easier from month to month.  How much I can get done in any given day continues to mystify me; truly I thought I’d have more time to do things and more relaxation time than I end up with.  Why is that?  Well, some things take longer because of access.  For example, the Y used to be just around the corner from my office so I could zip over, do a class, and get back to work within an hour and a half.  Now I need 1/2 hour to get there and because mostly I go to classes which require me to sign in ahead of time because they fill up … and I’m not sure exactly how long it will take me to get there … this means I leave home about an hour before class time.  Then the class, cleaning up and getting home.  Half a day gone!  Same is true for all of the other chores I used to do when driving home from work; now they mean actually making a special trip out and that takes up more time too.

Maybe I’ve just plain taken on a little too much?  That’s a really tough one.  In the past month I’ve prepared for, and taught, four classes at the university (and communicate with students and mark their work),  gave 1 retirement workshop and 1 speech, and coordinated one youth conference.  In the next month I have a 2-hour peace education workshop to prepare and deliver, four more classes to teach, and a chapter of a book on what changes we need in public education to write.

Slowly moving this one along.  Having endless numbers of hours to structure (or not) is much trickier than I’d thought.

How easy it is to get nothing done at all when you’re not in a rush.  Sounds crazy for sure but somehow it was easier to get a lot done when I had a lot to get done.  I’m working on different schedules (sleep late/get up early, write in the morning/write later in the day, exercise early/late/not at all.

I am doing pretty well at what my dear friend Peter (and also Jung) refers to as “holding the tension”.   After all, this is my Lesson #10: Stay open. Don’t let the urgent overtake the important.   You see, my natural response when there’s too much uncertainty in the air is to push things to a conclusion; it’s what I’ve always called “Premature Closure” if you catch my drift.  I’m struggling here – but not too worried about it.  The next months, trying and evaluating lots of different time-management approaches, will undoubtedly provide me with a new framework of comfort.

IDENTITY DRIFT: Now it gets a little harder.  ”The identity of one changes with how one perceives reality” says Vithu Jeyaloqanathan.  From the day that feels like it was so long ago when I realized in an after-movie discussion group that I could talk about how I really saw things in education and not deliver a “party line” (whatever the party may be) I have been conscious of my perception of the world around me changing.  Changing back.  The filters through which I see the world are slowly returning to be those that I choose as filters, replacing ones that I’ve had to live with because of my professional role. Making these choices – clarifying my goals in a way – is one of the biggest challenges at six months in.   Most important is that I’ve come to fully accept that the key, for me, is that I need to feel that I’m contributing to making the world a better place in some small way.  Gives me a sense of living out a purpose and that’s important to me.

Stephen Covey was “de rigeur” when I was in graduate school; narry a course would be taught in any department without mention of his theories about how we organize our time.  The basic premise was to imagine that a great big bowl is the container representing your total time.  Start with a bucket full of stones (some large stones representing the things that require a lot of time and are very important, all the way down to small pebbles which represent all of the little chores of each day).  If you start moving the stones from the bucket to your bowl (or you can see this as from your “to do” list to your calendar) in a willy-nilly manner, just placing things into your “bowl” as you notice them, then you’ll run out of bowl before all the stones are placed.  But – and Covey would always demonstrate this in his workshops – if you start by thinking about the big important things you want to be doing – placing the really big stones first – it’s a different outcome.  You make your decisions about what’s important with some real introspection,  giving consideration to both short-term and long-term goals, and you put those big pieces – symbolized by big stones – into the bowl first.  Then you start adding the smaller stones to fit around – but  not coflict with – the big pieces.  Once all your stones (things you need to do) are in the bowl you can still add quite a bit of water to it; this represents the fun things you can do in a free-floating, relaxed, non-demanding way.  In a way, I guess I’m just finishing up determining what the big stones are for now, recognizing that this can, and will, change over time.  For now, what are the main areas that I want to devote more time to?

David and I were talking last night and I was telling him that I think I’d like to be spending more quality time with my mother.  Not just running errands with her or taking her to doctors but more stimulating and interesting time.  I’m going to hunt about and see what ideas I can suggest and see if she has more ideas to put into the mix as well.  Ours is not one of those mother/daughter relationships that was always very close; but over the past years we’ve grown closer and closer and she’s really become one of my very best friends.  Her health a year ago didn’t look promising, but she’s doing so well now and I see it as a real gift – and honour – to be able to have more time to hang out and enjoy life with her.  David and I both agreed that this is important and that it is time spent that has real value.  Okay – there’s one rock in my bowl:  more time with my mother … and actually with family overall.  More hiking and exploring and star-gazing and wine-sipping and book-reading and dancing time with David.  More  trips to the zoo with Motti for long walk/talks.  More lunches with Molly.  Time to teach Miri how to sew pleats and to hang out with Elly and Shira and Dovid.  More time in Ottawa with Nili and her family.  Time on the West Coast to see Josh and Solomon and Laura (Solomon’s mother).  Time in California with my loving family there; Fran, Ed, Cheri, Alec, Yoni, Tari, Boots and Danny.  More dinners and movies with cousins.  In my rather complicated life there’s so much great opportunity for family connections; I’d really just like to be able to spend more time with everyone in my family that wants to spend time with me.  More time with heart-family too; the friends who’ve been there and cared and enriched my life in so many ways.

And more time with myself.  I guess in practical terms that means it’s time for me to go out and buy that trailer for my kayak so that this summer I can paddle up-river whenever the moment is right.  This is a good thing.  This is spending time in good way.  This too is contributing.

I just need to figure out what percentage of my time will feel right – the my family and myself time – and I’ll do that by moving in this direction and noticing how I’m feeling.  This is Lessons#4, #6 and #7 in action for sure:  Try to do the things you love to do; Take the time to treasure the things that have really enriched your life; and Honour the importance of what you choose to do.

I’m hoping that over the next few months I’ll be able to figure out what else should be filling my bowl that will say- when I back up a bit and look at my bowl as a whole – this is me; this is good.

The first year – Part 2:  Coming next!