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On July 4, 2008 I pressed “publish” on this blog for the first time.  These words were in my very first posting:

“As you read my words, think about your own experiences and your own realities. When something I’ve written strikes a chord, please add your comment to the blog with your own words of wisdom. Together, perhaps, we can figure out what ‘for the first time in my life, I can really do whatever I want’ means.”

Then, 3 days later I wrote: “When I was first thinking about writing this book/blog …”

So here I am now, only two weeks away from celebrating my first retirement-a-versary.  I’m still very much “in the process” of what is -  I now realize clearly – an enormously jangling transition.  I’m going to give myself an opportunity over the next few weeks to write about where I’ve come to in meeting some of the challenges that I thought about before retiring and also to try to get more clear on what challenges I still see ahead.  The workshops I’ve developed are based on that; helping women figure out what their own challenges are likely to be and then helping them figure out how to chart a gentle path for themselves - or at least a little less daunting a journey – into the wonderful freedom retirement can bring.

I am finally putting the finishing touches on a proposal to turn the first 18 months (see – there it is again – that Jewish number) into a book.  I’d really like to acknowledge the women (and/or men) who’ve been reading the blog and have from time to time enriched us all with their comments.  What I’d be delighted with is if you’d send me an email (sbforthefirstime@gmail.com) that includes (1) your name (or the name/nickname you’d like to be noted as), (2) where you live (state or province or the equivalent is good enough), (3) how long you’ve been retired (or how long until you might retire, or where you are in another situation that replicates this process – for instance, the turndown in the economy has shut down your business), (4) a paragraph (in the range of 250-500) about why you’ve been a part of this and how it resonates in your own experience, and (5) some ideas about what organization(s) should receive donations if there’s any profit from the book (I wrote long ago that I’d contribute – on behalf of all of us – a part of any profits and I haven’t forgotten that).  Thanks so much.  How exciting is this?

Now, on to what I set out to write about today.

Two weeks to go and it will be a year since I picked up my last box and closed my office door.  A year since then.  In two more weeks.  You know, it’s like my own personal independence day.   Which of course immediately raises the question of how should I celebrate this “passage”?   Got to talk to David about that (or maybe he’ll read this posting and plan a wonderful surprise).  I’ve started to think about where I “am” in this process which has definitely proven to be much more challenging than I’d expected (although I might have been less surprised if I’d thought it through a bit more beforehand).  Some of the things I’ve noticed in the last week or two that have really jumped out at me …

Obama and the Peace Prize. My first  response was ambivalence about why he’d been given this prize.  Then I got it.  It’s just what I’ve been hoping for and working for.  A shift in context of thinking.  My first doubts circled around “but he hasn’t ended any wars”.  Then – tada – the light went on.  Spinoza said it well: Peace is not the absence of war; it is a virtue; a state of mind; a disposition for benevolence; confidence; and justice.  I know that.  I talk about that.  Peace is a frame of mind, a perspective, a way of interacting with the universe.  Obama has been exemplifying that for the world, whether speaking directly to the American people about racism, speaking in the cities of Europe or in Cairo or at the UN.  He’s been saying that the ground beneath us has shifted, that we must look for new ways to “be” in the world since he spoke these words at his inauguration: “And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: Know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more”. Bravo!

Whole issue of awards. I thought back over some I’ve received – from the William Pakenham Fellowship in Education (from the University of Toronto), to the Shirley Stokes Fellowship in Women’s Studies (from the Federation of Women Teachers of Ontario) to the Realm Award (for the ESL team from the Government of Ontario).  Truth is, it’s really nice to be recognized for what you do; to feel honoured for even that brief moment.  New fear:  What is it going to be like to never receive another award? Same old same old … building up fears based on how others will see me.  But I don’t need to do that, because what I’ve really come to know in the past year is that I mostly like myself and value the contributions I’ve been able to make and so really how others see me is less and less important.  Indeed the award is the reward of getting to do – every day – what I want to be doing, what’s meaningful … to me.

Being Canadian and something I want to remember.  I was watching a news program on the CBC the other day (Harry Forrestell was the anchor) while beginning to embroider a gift for one of my Bar Mitzvah students.  At the end of the program, as he was signing off, he said:  “Thank you for watching“.  Simple words.  Thank you for watching.  A smile slowly built into a laugh.  Yup, that’s what I really like about being a Canadian.  There’s no snappy ending to the news report; no “Good night and good luck“; no “and that’s the way it is”.  Just a simple and polite thank you.

I need to remember these three things I’ve learned – or reminded myself of – today:

#1 – It’s what you stand for that matters; it’s what people know you believe in, represent, support.  It’s the road you actually walk.  You don’t have to be paid for walking that road.  Diana Scharf Hunt said that: “Goals are dreams with deadlines.” Retirement has given me the opportunity to set my own goals, to stand up for what I think matters, to speak from my own heart.  Wow … what a blessing that is.

#2 – I don’t need awards or performance evaluations to feel good about myself and what I’m contributing.  I can sit quietly in meditation and know that I’m okay and that I’m just where I need to be in my life doing just what I need to be doing.  That doesn’t mean there aren’t lots of challenges I still need to address.  It means that I’m in process and respect that.

#3 – Simply being polite and saying thank you matters.  More than the brilliant, shining star things we do.  When it comes from the heart there are few greater gifts.

Thank you.