As I did with my six months in “check up”, I’ll just jump right back into the thought process here that I began with my previous posting.

LONELINESS, ISOLATION, AND THE BLUES: It really has taken me until now to start feeling less lonely.   At various times over the past year I’ve felt downright depressed, struggling to not just feel isolated and at loose ends.  Little by little that’s changed though.  As I’ve pursued more of my own interests – doing things like singing in a choir, more sacred circle dancing, going to Crones Counsel – I’ve found myself getting more busy (actually still too busy but I’m working on that) and feeling more “attached”.   Since evenings (when David often has work to do) were often the hardest I’ve begun getting out and doing more things later in the day; Tuesdays I teach (just until early December though), Wednesdays I have choir practice.  I’m a little anxious about how I’ll fare as winter sets in.  I find it really hard to motivate myself to bundle up and head out to the cold on a winter’s eve; there’s something about the shock of well-below-zero air and sitting in the car waiting for it to become less frigid that just doesn’t appeal to me.  David and I have wanted to return to bridge classes so maybe we’ll add that in the winter.

I’m also planning more short getaways and that gives me something to be looking forward to as well.  In December I’m going to drive to Florida with my cousin Pearl and at the end of January I’ll be spending a week in Cancun with Nili and the kids.  David’s suggested a weekend in New York in February so that sounds like fun too and I just heard that Pittsburgh is a really interesting city (I didn’t know that at all, no offense to anyone who’s reading from Pittsburgh) and so maybe we’ll meet Lita and Stan there in the early spring.  Having an adventure to look forward to has always been important to me so I’m finding ways to plan some that aren’t quite as far afield and work on a retirees budget.

More than anything I think that the sense of loneliness and depression are lifting because I’ve taken a new perspective on all of this.  I’ve spent much of my life seeking perfection, whether it be the perfect report, the perfect policy, or the perfect relationship.  Perfect’s a bit of a set-up though isn’t it?  What I’ve been learning is that there’s something called “good enough” which is actually much more realistic than the pursuit of perfection.  It doesn’t feel like settling for less; it feels like revelling in the wonderful things that I do have … even if they’re more human than perfect.  I’ve even stumbled upon something called POGE (Principle Of Good Enough) which applies to software and systems design and favours quick-and-simple designs over elaborate systems designed by committees.  From my work in government I know for sure that design by committee (and I guess this applies to the evolving Health Care Bill in the US as well) is generally a very bad idea.  The only limit I’ve seen on POGE is that it isn’t good for systems that can’t evolve over time and since my goal is continuous growth it works well for me.  As the song lyrics go:  “Good enough, I feel good enough, It’s been such a long time coming but I feel good.”

Lesson #11: “Remember how easy it was as a child to make a new friend, and make as many as you can; they’ll enrich your life in amazing ways” is very real to me.  I’ve made new meditation friends, new dance friends, new crone friends (can’t wait to go to the Crones Counsel gathering next fall – in Albuquerque – and see them again; I’ve even got a new friend Melody to share a room with.  As they say in the UK – brilliant!

BOREDOM … BUT NOT REALLY:    I am not bored.  Not at all.  I have discovered that I can be lazier than I thought I could and at least at this point I’m enjoying that.  This morning I woke up and felt really tired; I got up at 3 a.m. a couple of days ago to fly back from Atlanta, had the Red Cross conference to attend, and today I’ve given myself as a relax, watch TV, read a little, write a little, laid-back kind of day.  I have taught a Bar Mitzvah lesson and I’ve got a kettle of soup cooking on the stove even as I write.  I’ve graduated to more advanced Sudoku so that’s an accomplishment isn’t it?

I continue to struggle around routines.  I know that I need some to make me feel comfortable but I resist letting myself get too locked into routines because for me that’s one of the great pleasures of being retired.  I’m pretty much getting up at 6:30 most days, but once (or so) a week I let myself sleep in to a luscious hour like 10 a.m.  That’s okay.  I like it.  Makes me feel good.

MAKING DECISIONS: I‘m making lots of choices these days.  I have accepted that my tendency is to take on too much, and little by little I’m being more careful when I take on something new.  A year ago I’d have pushed myself right through the day when I returned from Atlanta but – much to my surprise – that wasn’t what I did.  I went to the hotel where the Red Cross conference was being held (and I had told my co-coordinators that I’d be there’s to do whatever needed doing all day once I was back) and checked in.  Did they really need me?  Was everything under control?  I see it as a delightful sign of personal growth that I was able to step back, see that everything was under control, and that they didn’t really need my help.  So – I went home and relaxed for the day, returning early Sunday to help out and deliver the final address.  That may not seem like much of a step forward to some of you, but for me – who’s sort of addicted to being at the centre of things – it’s a huge accomplishment.  I could still use Lesson #8 printed out and posted somewhere: Carefully choose what you want to leave behind and what you want to keep – based on passions and personal goals; make sure what’s kept is manageable.

The women and retirement workshop that I facilitated in Atlanta went incredibly well; I am definitely going to try to do more.

I’m going to attend the entire Peace Education conference at McMaster University next month.  I’d initially thought I’d just go the day that I’m presenting (which would have been what I’d have done in the past) but as I looked over the program and read these words - this conference will be an opportunity for those passionate about educating for peace to converge, connect and reflect upon our commitments to peace and justice in this world – I recognized another gathering of soul-mates.  I’ve registered, I’ve booked a hotel room, and I can hardly wait to get there.

AGING AND OTHER HARD REALITIES: In some ways this has been a really hard year for me when it comes to feeling like I’m aging.  I’m sprained an ankle and a thumb.  My right hip is starting to ache too much of the time.  I get tired faster than I used and it sure does take a lot longer to catch up after losing a night’s sleep.

That said, in some ways I feel younger than I have in years.  Even more to the point, I’ve been learning a lot from my crone friends (that’s me with my “circle”) about how being “old” and being passionate, vital, excited, busy, engaged … well … they all go together.  One evening at Crones Counsel we honoured the women who were over 80 (the oldest was 95 and you should have seen her dance!) and they are still accomplishing so much and contributing enormously to their communities.  What great role models they are.

I’m going to follow on one of the crone’s footsteps and sit down in the next few days and right a letter to myself to be opened when I’m older.  It will be tips on living that I need to remember as the years continue to add.  One of the women told the story of her own mother having done that and once we’d all stopped laughing and wiped the tears of joy from our faces I realized what I wise thing this in.  I’ll give some thought to the things that I find hard to deal with in “the aged” and write myself some reminders about how to avoid those myself.  I continue to ask the question “Does this really matter” (Lesson #9) and find that one of the gifts of age is the wisdom to know when it does, and when it doesn’t.

SO … IN SUMMARY

When I was in Grade 9 I took instrumental music.  When we were asked what instrument we wanted to play I answered “drums” without a moment’s hesitation.  The music teacher’s response? Girls don’t play drums, pick something more appropriate for a girl, like a flute. Needless to say that didn’t make me very happy and did likely contribute to my becoming a feminist.  I didn’t play flute (no offense to those of you who did) but it’s taken me until now to buy myself a drum.  This one was made by one of my new crone friends.  The painting represents two things to me.  The first is its connection to a line that we chant when we’re putting the Torah away during services; it is a tree of life … eitz chaim.  The other connection is the tree pose which is part of the standing yoga meditation that I try to do several times each week; a position of grace and strength I think.  This drum, which connects me to my past, to the earth, and to the present … it’s going to bring me many more hours of joy I’m quite sure.  I had a chance to give it a go one evening in Atlanta and I can tell you that the excitement of being part of a drumming circle and feeling the rhythm in my spirit as it vibrated through my body … well, what can I say other than thank you.

I’ve got to keep working on staying mindful and avoiding expectations (Lesson #5: here’s no quicker way to disappointment – in experience and result – than being tied to inflexible expectations; they’ll limit your experience and joy every time.)

I’ve got to keep my heart open, my eyes open, my hands open.

I’ve got to keep working at trying to quiet my judging voice and listen instead to the sounds of happiness and beauty that surround me.

It is a harder transition that I’d expected but I think that now that I have a year under my belt I’m on my way to relaxing into this terrific part of life that I am so fortunate and privileged to enjoy.

Your support, your comments, your encouragement … they continue to mean so much to me.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for being there.

Year 2 – here I come.