I’ve now been singing with the Common Thread Chorus for almost two months (that’s a picture from another year; I haven’t sung in my first concert yet – it will be on December 5th).  At my first rehearsal my stomach was filled with butterflies and I was so excited.  I think that I smiled (while singing) for the entire 3 hours.  Something deep inside me was grinning.  Sitting there singing, reading the music, hearing the sounds, blending harmonies and rhythms … it’s embedded  in my spirit as a source of contentment and joy.  I’m feeling a little differently about it right now and I need to try to figure that out.  What has changed?

Singing has always been a part of my life.  I think that I remember my father singing to comfort me when I was very very young.  My parents were recent immigrants to Canada as were most of their friends; “greenies” they were called.  Sundays was a special day for them to get together and often we’d pick up Mr. and Mrs. Beim and we’d go for a drive somewhere.  Thing is, I don’t remember even one destination point; but what I do remember is that we’d sing in the car … in harmony.   “Take Me Back to the Black Hills of Dakota“ and  “I Wonder Why” were among our favorites.

I don’t have very many warm, safe, loving memories of my childhood; singing is a strong one though.

I began singing in choirs in elementary school.  November and December were always difficult choir months.  At the beginning of the school year we’d be singing autumn songs and songs for Thanksgiving … right up until Halloween.  Then once we were done with the music of witches we’d launch into six solid weeks of nothing but Christmas music.  Understand, I love the music itself.  I love the way people seem to soften when they are singing Christmas carols.  The problem was in the words.  I was a sheltered Jewish girl and at some level I believed that I wasn’t supposed to sing Christian songs; after all my family had mostly been killed in the holocaust and somehow I felt that it was a betrayal to them for me to sing Christmas carols.  Yes, I know, it’s not unusual for kids to put this mystical piece into everything.  Anyhow, I also knew that my father wouldn’t like it; indeed my mother would slip out and come to my  Christmas concerts but he never came and I always thought it was because he’d hear me singing “Jesus” or “Christ” or “King of Israel” and have apoplexy.  The rest of the year was great (there was no Easter concert thank goodness) and my love of singing in harmony grew.

I continued to sing in choirs through high school and then, when I started studying at Hebrew University, I joined the choir there.  I remember singing at the opening of what was then the new stadium at the university and under the leadership of Nomi  Shemer, in an open air stadium under the stars, we sang Jerusalem of Gold for the first time in public.  Awesome.

As a teacher I led elementary school  and Hebrew school choirs and one year even directed the Zimriyah – a concert of many choirs from the supplementary Hebrew schools in Toronto.  On my climb up Kilimanjaro I kept myself going by singing along to the music on the tiny tape player that a fellow climber was kind enough to share with me day after day.  Singing.  It makes me feel so centered and real.  I love it.

So it isn’t surprising that I was so happy at that first rehearsal.  I’d be hoping to get into this choir for a couple of years already and there I was taking my seat.  I sang tenor for the first two rehearsals (they were short in that section so had included a few women) but realized that was too low for me when I went home one evening with a terribly sore throat.  I’ve been singing alto for five weeks now.

Truth is, I’m struggling.  I’m not finding it nearly as easy to read the music and sing as I used to.  I’m not sure that I’m on pitch much of the time.  I’m tense.  Even once I’ve learned the piece it doesn’t seem to be “holding” as much as it used to so that the next time we sing it I’m back to uncertainty.  Is it because I’m out of practice; haven’t done much sight reading for four or five years (since I stopped singing in another choir I’d been with for two years)?   Could it be my age?  For sure I have more trouble remembering lots of things these days.  And my hearing’s not as good as it used to be either, maybe that’s making it hard for me to hear the music and take it in.  Is it because I’ve been feellng so stressed with overload that I’m not relaxed enough to get inside the music?

Ah – at my first rehearsal I remet a woman – Dorothy – who used to live up the street from me when I first moved to Toronto.  We tend to sit together in the choir practices.  Last week, just as we were wrapping up from a “sectional” (that’s a rehearsal where each section of the choir practices separately and works just on their part for the whole time) she asked what I’d been doing and I told her about the blog and how I was finding that this transition is tough and full of unexpected potholes.  “Oh yes”, she said, “it took me a full three years before I felt like I’d made the shift and could really enjoy this new life”.  If you take a deep, deep breath …. Deeper … hold it for a few seconds and then let it out slowly you’ll feel the deep sigh that uttered forth when I heard those words.

Comfort from others who’ve gone through this change.  Encouragement from those who are also struggling.  I guess with this support I’ll make it to clarity again.  Hope it doesn’t take another two years though.