I want to start by saying thank you to all of you who read last week’s posting and then sent me comments.  I don’t know what I’d do without this kind of support.  It’s funny that now some of my best “connections” are with people online, some of whom I’m never even met.  Strange world that we live in.

Starting to feel better didn’t happen all at once for sure.  It began with the realization that one of the things holding me back was sliding into the old habits of thinking too much about what I was supposed to say instead of focusing on what I want to say.  My goodness, one of the biggest perks of retirement was just that; the freedom to speak my own mind.   I’d been trying to combine both what I believe with the “party line” I’m so used to giving and that meant that I’d prepared a 1-day Institute on Special Education that would have to last about a week to cover everything I was making notes on.  But that wasn’t the day that I wanted to present.  Once I felt free enough to speak my mind – understanding that this could mean I won’t be getting very many other international speaking engagements … but that’s life – I was able to start working on the program for the day and include only what I thought was important.  So in the end I’ll be doing a day on Special Education when the only time that term will be used is likely in the first few minutes; the rest of the day will focus on what I really do believe  - which is that all teachers have to be eager to teach all of the kids that arrive in their classrooms and that means meeting all sorts of special needs each day.  I’m going to do my best to change the participants’ mind sets so that they believe this is their job and so that they feel excited about doing it.  This same sense of freedom also made it much easier for me to do the Peace Education Institute and the Social Justice workshop as well.

That was only a start though, and I was still burdened with the sense that perhaps I just have nothing to say.  Until Tuesday, when I finally got myself to a Pilates class.  Audrey is a lovely woman who lives just up the street from me; I’m hoping that we’ll find time soon to share a bottle of wine in my backyard and catch up.  There was another new woman in the class (oh my, I can’t remember her name!) and since she lived north of Audrey and I the three of us walked home together.  She’s a teacher.  She asked me what I was doing now that I’d retired – and what retirement is like since she’s only about 5 years away herself – and I told her about the presentations I was developing and a bit about my focus.  Throughout our conversation she kept interjecting things like “Oh wow, that’s just what teachers need to hear” and “How do we get you to do a presentation to the Toronto school board?”.  By the time we finished talking on the sidewalk in front of my home I felt really charged up again.  Yes, what I have to say is not the usual message.  That’s what makes it important and interesting (I hope).

Deep blues and questioning are still lurking around the edges though, and it doesn’t take much these days to put me into a serious funk.  I don’t fully understand this phenomenon and wonder if it’s something others have experienced after retirement as well.  It seems that the things in my life that are really worrisome and problematic take up a larger space in my mind these days, maybe because I’m less distracted by work and less involved in lots of social things outside of home.  It’s summer here which means that choir is on hiatus and I’m not teaching a course at the university (although I just submitted a request to teach a new course this fall).  So much more of my time is spent in relaxation which ironically means I have much more time to think about the failures and short-comings in my life.  Hhmm …

I’m taking a week off.  We’re going to Santa Fe to celebrate (although that certainly doesn’t feel like the right word at all) my 61st birthday next week by hiking in the desert/mountains, seeing some wonderful opera, and visiting with friends.  This started as something just David and I did then last summer my sister Fran and brother-in-law Ed joined us.  This year we’re also being joined by other friends: Sal and Edy from California, Lita and Stanley from Philadelphia, and Donna and Ed from Australia .. with a couple of their kids I think.  I’m not going to think about writing or work or anything other than continuing to read The Girl Who Played with Fire and then perhaps onto the third book in that trilogy.  Hike.  Eat.  Drink.  Play.  Sleep.  Then do it all again.  Here’s hoping that some time away will recharge my batteries so that I can truly enjoy the rest of the summer.

My posting next week will most likely come mid-week since we don’t return until Sunday evening and I don’t want to be worrying about writing (although I know I’ll check the blog for comments each day).  I hope that’s okay with you.